I'm Just Saying…

My Nani

February10
From the moment I was born, with a full head of red hair, everyone knew that my Nani and I shared a very special connection.  And while I might not have been aware of it at that exact moment, I can’t remember a time when I didn’t know that in my Nani, I had some extremely special.

While my Eddie and I enjoyed taking adventures, exploring new things – with Nani it was the routine that stands out.  When I was little I spent my Tuesdays at Nani School.  We started off first thing in the morning, tidying the house.  Following her from room to room as she emptied trash cans, containing at the most, a tissue that Eddie had discarded (after all, those of us in the know knew enough to not leave trash out in the open).  Straightening furniture, fluffing pillows.  She’d hand me a duster and as I’d run the feathers over the silver frames and small porcelin figurines that covered every flat surface, she’d tell me the stories behind the treasures – pine cones from Washington, the silver Bible from Uncle Meyer’s bar mitzvah when he turned 83, the cash register from Grandpa Sam’s grocery store in Tyler Texas.  When the cleaning was through we’d play dress-up, her closet full of the clothes she wore when she and Eddie would attend black tie charity dinners, or if I was really lucky, she would break out the paints and together we would paint the refridgerator door, moments after my latest creation was finished we would then wash it down with lava soap and a sponge.  We’d end our day in the front yard.  Waiting for my mom to pick me up, picking flowers off the rose bushes, floating dead leaves down the water that runs along the curb and laying on our backs and talking about what we could see in the clouds in the sky.

Our time together wasn’t limited to Tuesdays.  As a new mom myself, I now realize that I spent an obscene amount of time with my Nani and Eddie.  Fridays were spent at Martin – I was the only 2nd grader with a perfect blowout.  Nani clasping my hand as she used all her weight to lean into the heavy, glass door, the noisey beautyshop coming to a quiet hum as Nani entered – everyone stopping to acknowledge that she had arrived.  I loved that she was so important, her scarf perfectly tied and secured with a pin, her purse and her small Neiman’s bag, containing important lists and newspaper clippings, swinging from the crook of her arm.  She’d be whisked to the back to have hair washed and motion for me to come with her.  As she sat with her head back and her hair under the water, she would somehow llift her neck just enough keep an eye on me – making sure I wasn’t kidnapped…from the beautyshop.  Off to bullocks wilshire for tea sandwiches and a fashion show, and then a sleep over at Nani and Eddie’s – we’d light Shabbat candles in the kitchen before all climbing into their big bed, with our silky pillows, for chopped salad, followed by raspberries and ice cream.

My Nani was prepared for any situation.  When we added a second story to our house on Bannockburn, the day the addition was completed she showed up with a rope ladder to hang from the second floor so that we could escape in case of fire.  She carried with her, at all times, a rubberband with a piece of cardboard attached that read, broken meter, just in case she found herself parked at one.  After getting engaged I received an envelope in the mail, with a note written the week I was born.  It said, just in case I’m not here in person – for your wedding dress…with a check enclosed.  And just yesterday, as I was looking for a pair of socks in one of Nani’s drawers I found a thin box.  Inside a note, Fanny, I though you might like these one day, love Nani, December 1990, and a slip and a nightgown.  It was as if she knew, in that moment, i would be there.  And I was.

My Nani always smelled of baby powder.
She wore huge sunglasses and always thought it was better to look at the person she was taking the picture with, rather than the camera.
The last thing she did before she left the house was put on her wedding ring and wind her watch, and the first thing she did when she came home was take both off and run to pee – even before turning off the house alarm.
My Nani always slept on a blue satin pillow case.
She did back exercises every morning and walked 20 laps around the house.
Instead of traditional lullabyes, my Nani sang Christmas carols and Yiddish folk songs with words she made up.
The one time Eddie and I brought her to a UCLA basket ball game she insisted on rooting for the other team because she felt bad they were losing.
My Nani had soft, floppy arms that I liked to hold onto while I fell asleep.

Because my Nani had repeatedly defied all the odds, and after so many challenging health situations continued to come back and fight through it, I sometimes called her the bionic woman.  And because she was always so immaculately put together, even as she walked her beloved Chester up and down the street with my Eddie by her side, I sometimes called her the First Lady.  But mostly, and most importantly, she was just my Nani.  With her silky pillow and her pink bathrobe, and her no-slip socks.

i’m not really here, it’s an illusion

February10

i know…i know!  okay let’s move on…

clearly, i’m not really back to blogging because if i didn’t have it in me while pregnant, i for sure don’t have it in me now that EBN is here.  but she’s sleeping in her swing and as i scarf down breakfast (greek yogurt, strawberry, banana, blueberry and a bit of kashi cereal), and gulp my coffee i realize that if i don’t write something down i am going to forget it all.  the baby book has fallen by the wayside (i’m sure i’ll update it when i have time – and she’s 6) so i find myself here.  there’s no way i can go back to the beginning but i can start here:

  • EBN coos constantly.  it’s more than a coo, it’s long and streaming conversation that makes no sense to anyone but her.  i take full credit for her desire to communicate because i talk to her (or, i let OPRAH, THE JERSEY SHORE, etc etc) talk to her all day long.  girl’s got something to say
  • she responds to the name booger butt
  • i taught her to smile wrong – turns out every time i look at her i open my mouth super wide – so now she does too
  • she’s a great sleeper – just like her daddy, and she hates waking up – just like her daddy
  • speaking of her daddy – EBN looks just like him, especially when she yawns (notice a pattern?)
  • EBN appears to be tone deaf just like her mama, because she loves it when i sing (and her NANI too)
  • her favorite book is I LOVE YOU STINKY FACE (thanks auntie/rabbi steffi!)
  • her favorite place to be is on her changing pad, talking to her ABCs (a needlepoint that THE REAL NANI made for EBN’s mama when i was a baby…especially special now)
  • EBN found her hands after an afternoon spent with a group of other babies.  if possible she prefers to suck on her paci, her entire fist and her burp cloth – all at once
  • she seems to prefer GENERAL HOSPITAL to 90210
  • my entire house is covered in a thin layer of spit up

so there’s something – a glimpse if you will.  as she’s still sleeping i should probably pry myself from my couch and write some thank you notes.  i’m so far behind, i’m broken out in hives.

32 days to go!

October12

it’s hard to believe that i’m 35 weeks and 3 days pregnant.  hard to believe because in just over (please god don’t go over) or under (just a little under would be ABSOLUTELY FINE) 5 weeks, a baby is going to be here.  as my mother has famously said – how did this happen!?!  and also hard to believe because right about now it seems like i’ve been pregnant FOREVER.  was there a time when i wasn’t pregnant?  i have absolutely no memory of anything before i waddled – although i do have a small recollection of sushi and wine…oh – sushi and wine!

the good news is that we had a long list of things to get done before BBN makes his or her debut and we’ve crossed almost every last thing off that list!  i mean, there are about 37 other lists that i’m not even looking at until after BBN arrives, but the list of things that HAVE to get done, well that list is mostly under control.  last night we crossed off – tour labor and delivery (check!) but we did add – get ABN flu shot and whopping cough vaccine (btw, if you plan on spending significant time with BBN you need to get one too – really, they are saying everyone in california should get one).  this weekend i’m thinking of packing my hospital bag…is that crazy!?!  well, i’ll at least wash the few things i plan on taking with me.  packing the bag might be a bit much.  my doctor clearly doesn’t think there is ANY rush.  when i went to see him last week i was sure we were moving to weekly appointments but he did his thing (listened to the heartbeat, measured my tum) in five minutes or less and dismissed me for another two weeks.  is it wrong i was a bit disappointed?

it’s a good thing i work from home because at this point my maternity shirts don’t cover my tummy – something that i don’t understand.  it makes me feel like even more of a slob, as if the food stains that seem to have landed on every single item of clothing that i wear, were not enough.  i’ve started buying a few items for after BBN arrives.  don’t worry, i don’t have unrealistic visions of fitting into regular jeans…EVER AGAIN…but the idea of new yoga pants that aren’t pilling, tank tops that aren’t stretched out beyond recognition and long sleeved cotton tshirts that don’t have tooth paste stains…these things make me unbelievably happy.

alright, i’m off to return some crib bedding that just isn’t right and also possibly stop at the craft store – i have one more project that i want to get done (don’t worry ABN – it doesn’t involve painting furniture).

In the Last 48 Hours I Have…

September16
  • played mahjong and lost 50 cents
  • found my first stretch mark
  • cried
  • gone through every bag and box of beauty product i have to find the sample size shea butter i received on my first trip to motherhood maternity to rub on said stretch mark
  • cried
  • received notification that my gym membership is officially cancelled – something that took me only 8 months of not going to the gym to actually take care of
  • cried
  • scheduled a much needed hair cut with – not MARTIN
  • freaked out about my scheduled hair cut which is ridiculous because i currently gag when i look at my hair in the mirror so it really can’t get worse
  • argued with ABN about whether i, in fact had a stretch mark or had just scratched my stomach a bit too hard
  • cried because sometimes i can’t help but scratch my stomach – it’s just my way
  • analyzed my completely naked body in front of the full length mirror in our bedroom looking for hidden stretch marks
  • cried
  • spent 90 minutes on the computer reading about stretch marks
  • spent 90 minutes on the computer reading about nursing bras
  • watched the 90210 where TARA tries to help KELLY end her pain
  • watched a new TLC show about latino sextuplets in New York
  • cried because that shit freaks me out
  • set my dvr to tape the premiere of SISTER WIVES – who i am kidding, i already set it as a series recording
  • received flowers from ABN because he felt bad for me and my stretch marks and not understanding my freak out
  • cried
  • listened to ABN read HENNY PENNY to my belly (with a big stretch mark) which i realized is actually the same as CHICKEN LITTLE
  • bought a people magazine
  • done four loads of laundry
  • folded four loads of laundry
  • received my diaper bag in the mail
  • freaked out about THANKSGIVING
  • cried
  • talked to THE CHARACTER and celebrated his job for next summer – let’s just say with an impending grand kid and THE CHARACTER’S new job, my parents are quite happy
  • watched the top chef finale – eh to the whole season
  • dreamt about a skim milk white russian
  • waited 15 minutes at starbucks for my drink – what?!

i’m fine.  just a bit hormonal.  it will pass.  as my friend said yesterday – when you’re pregnant and you can’t sleep and you deal with heartburn.  when the baby arrives and you can’t sleep you get up and cuddle a yummy baby.  that sounds much better to me.

If You Could Just Push Me in the Right Direction that Would be Great

September14

i have nothing that fits. okay, that’s not exactly true. i have two maternity dresses that still fit. one comes down to mid-calf and since my feet are swollen i can’t even attempt to wear heels to make it slightly better. the other is a cotton dress, a step or two up from a shmata. it works and doesn’t look awful but i’ve worn it so often it’s pilling like things shouldn’t pill and so i feel sloppy regardless. i’m left to wear leggings and tshirts and tank tops that are too tight on my boobs and just a smudge too short to really cover my belly. i feel like a large blob 100% of the time. the good news is that i’ve gotten over being concerned i look fat – now that i’m simply huge.

i’m not complaining. i know the baby needs to grow and is growing and i’m gaining weight in all the right places and i’m gaining the right amount of weight etc etc. and i’m enjoying the freedom to eat the bagel, enjoy the after dinner rice pudding and the occasional (read every other day) veggie delight and chips from subway (weird craving i know!). but honestly i just wasn’t prepared for what this extra weight would feel like, or look like. standing still for long periods of time is just not fun because my back hurts and my tummy gets…heavy. my bras don’t fit in anyway that could be considered comfortable and my turning over in bed – well, let’s just forget about that.

luckily i’ve got my hair. it’s no joke either. i’m fairly convinced my hair has never been this long and as i’ve got no plans to head down to LA before BBN’s arrival (really no plans until hopefully xmas) i guess it’s going to just keep growing. if i were to do something with it that would truly be awesome but i figure if it keeps growing maybe i’ll be able to wrap it around myself and hide underneath it.

Mega Burgers and Peach Pie

September2

you didn’t think i’d let a historic day like today go by without at least a mention here on this neglected blog.  happy 9-02-10 day!

so how else to honor such an important, once in a life time event – a top 10 list of course!  you may agree and you may disagree -weigh in, share your 90210 stories.

THE TOP 10 BEST 90210 EPISODES/MOMENTS ACCORDING TO LBN:

10. VALERIE AND HER INSENSE – a list wouldn’t be complete with a little valerie malone. remember before we knew she was bad? i think there were a solid 40 minutes there when she was just a girl from buffalo. and then, she lit up her special herb – IN THE WALSH HOUSE!!

9. BRENDA AS LAVERNE – while brandon is off becoming a soap star, brenda holds down the fort at the peach pit

8. HELLO DAY – dylan and brenda get back together, emily valentine wears a leather hat, there’s singing and dancing…what a great first day of school!

7. I CHOOSE ME – ugh the episode makes me sob every time, first andrea leaves and then kelly chooses herself

6. DONNA AND DAVID DO IT – and she goes from virgin to major beverly hills slut…no judgement
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5. U4EA – steve and andrea exchanging an egg…i die

4. SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET – we learn important background on the girls, like that donna puts popcorn in her ice cream (later referenced at her bachelorette party!)

3. CAMPING TRIP – teaching the ever important lesson – booze are bad, forgetting to pack hiking boots can be deadly

1. DONNA AND DAVID GET MARRIED – dude everyone came back for the big event!  the only person they didn’t bring back was scott – and they totally should have, can you imagine a better flashback?

ps. i also bought crib bedding.  like.  woa.

It’s Hard to Believe this is My Life

August12

is it possible the spawn growing inside of me is sapping up all of my creative juices?  because really, i want to write – i know it would be good for me – healthy – and also it would be nice to have some sort of record of this important time in my life.  but when it comes to actually putting pen to paper, or in the case of this here blog – fingers to keys – i draw a blank.  nothing.  it seems that what this baby inside me wants more than anything else is to eat sour candy and watch beverly hills 90210 reruns.  at least it’s issue based tv.

ABN and i have been busy at work on prepping our lives and house for the arrival of the spawn – after all we are only 3 months away.  we’ve bought the very few essentials we plan to buy beforehand and in the next month we will have the bedroom painted.  that’s right – ABN has moved his office – his desk is now located in the sunroom/laundry room which i get is less than ideal but at least he has an office (says his wife who works from home and is relegated to the kitchen table).  i’m doing my best to do laundry when he is at work although i know once BBN arrives that will not be possible all the time.

yesterday we interviewed a pediatrician and i fell instantly in love.  she’s jewish and sarcastic and answered my questions about breastfeeding by saying “you get what you get and you don’t get upset” but then leaned in and said with knockers like mine i should be fine.

it turns out there’s a bit of a mohel shortage in san francisco (if you ware looking for a career change it’s not a bad idea).  of course we don’t know for sure that we will need a mohel but if the random women who stop me on the street are any indication, there will be bagels at my house 8 days post BBN’s arrival.  i have this vision in my head of a bearded  religious man coming to my home and taking care of business quickly and efficiently but it seems that in the bay area the trend is women who take this on as a second career.  i’m not judging (ha!) but i know what i want – and that’s not what i want.  the pediatrician shared stories of the very mohel i was looking for who came to her home three years ago for her own son’s circumcision.  unfortunately he’s now dead.  so that’s not going to work.  she suggested i call his widow and ask if she knows of anyone.  i did some online searching and found the guy who the jewish newspaper bills as his “replacement.”  he doesn’t have a beard but he’s ortho and has a penis of his own which for me is two steps in the right direction.  as a con he used to be a professional chef but as i learned yesterday, “you get what you get and you don’t get upset.”

I Was Not Eaten By Vampires

July15

i know what you’re thinking – no FREAKING way – she’s back.  well, i’m not sure if i would go that far.  it seems that this little bundle of joy that is quickly growing in my belly is sapping up every last ounce of my energy – creative and otherwise.  i know i’m supposed to be writing everything down – first kick, how quickly my nails are growing, how we weighed (literally) the options when choosing the perfect stroller and car seat, but i just can’t seem to get my act together.  it’s true, i do have so much to say.  i just seem to have no ability or drive with which to say it.

it’s gorgeous here in SF today and i am taking full advantage by sitting on the back patio, in a purple mumu that is too short to wear in public (due to the rise in my belly).  i think pregnant looks a bit better with some sun so i’m trying to grab it where i can.  my advice for all of you who think about one day spawning – do it in SF.  while my friends are literally wilting on the east coast, i’ve spent most of my summer happily tucked into leggings and sweaters, no overheating, no sweating, no humidity.  i’ve already made a deal with ABN – i’ll live anywhere he wants to live as long as the next time we decide to do this, i can be pregnant in SF.

you’ll also be glad to know that in last couple of months since my last update, i’ve stopped consuming two bagels a day.  sure, carbs still make for one happy lady but i’ve sorta moved on to fruit as well.  put a bowl of peaches in front of me, i’ll eat the whole thing.  cut up a watermelon – i’ll down the entire thing in one sitting.  yes, there are pictures to prove it.

i guess i should tell you that the baby did start kicking – and it has been exciting, and pee inducing.  it feels like often the baby is kicking directly into my bladder.  my day goes a lot like this: kick, kick, pee.  kick, kick, pee.  again, i feel very lucky to be working from home and to never be too far away from the toilet.

now wasn’t that worth the wait?

Everyone Around me is Drinking Beer

June10

i’m sitting outside and my laptop battery is running low so this is going to be short.  also i just killed a small green bug on my computer and so now there is bug juice on the keyboard.  i didn’t mean to kill it, just wipe it away.  oops.

today i have witnessed many amazing things.  first, i was watching THE TODAY SHOW, as i do every morning, and a 13 year old girl said cunt, twice.  okay truth be told i missed the live, east coast feed but when MEREDITH later apologized for the vulgar use of language, i had to investigate (what did people do before the internet?).

also i went to a coffee shop to work and there was a group there studying talmud.  this made me blissfully happy.

there was a  group of people from various small non-profits having a “professional development” meeting.  it seemed they were talking about how to build a useful board, how to recruit new members, i could go on.  but largely they were talking about how no one ever came to these meetings and how maybe they should put together a survey to find out how to get more people to participate.  i wanted to scream – ” no one is going to answer your survey.”  but instead i just smiled to myself and thanked god my non-profit days are over…for now.

She’s a Working Girl

June9

i haven’t been avoiding you – it’s just that i’ve been really busy.  and napping too.  i think that’s allowed right?  at least that’s what people keep telling me.  i feel like a huge slacker every time i nap.  but i also feel about a kabillion times better post snooze so if it’s okay i’m going to keep it up for now.

i’ve been more busy than usual because i’ve taken on my hours at my secret job.  it’s a good thing really – making a little moolah (just a little), keeping my mind active, getting me off my couch for a few hours each and every day.  i enjoy the work and the fact that i can work from home (or from a coffee shop – or from LA) is basically the best thing that has ever happened to me.  and when i say best thing that ever happened to me i don’t really mean best thing ever, i just mean, it’s a nice change.  especially with this babe on the way – it’s nice to slow down a bit.  because my life before was anything but slow.

i’ve had a lot of questions in my personal life about if i quit my DREAM JOB so that i could get pregnant.  the answer is no.  i quit my job because it was not the right job for me at this point in m life.  my job wasn’t making me happy (duh) but that wasn’t totally it either.  before EDDIE got sick i had completely rationalized sticking it out one more year.  sucking it up, not crying under my desk, and not having a kid (because let me tell you – the DREAM JOB and kid were not a match made in heaven…more like THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN PURE HELL!!).  once EDDIE got sick he spelled things out for me pretty clearly – “your coworkers are border line abusive, your NANI needs you, quit your job and have a baby.”  i spent a month or so thinking it over and decided to quit – it was just a matter of when.  again, i felt like i should stick it out through the summer and then quit come august.  after all, summer was the fun part…or was it?!  there were parts of summer that were great – singing modeh ani every morning, watching asian children fall in love with shabbat, hiring a killer staff and making life long friends…but summer also sucked ass.  i don’t think i took a deep breath between april and august, i didn’t sleep, didn’t eat and i didn’t see ABN.  not a great way to prep for a baby.  so together, after a raucous new year’s eve celebration that consisted of scrabble and the lights out by 10:30, ABN and i decided together that it was time to walk away – immediately.  i hoped by leaving right away i was leaving them in a place to find a great replacement way before summer.  and i knew i would be able to begin traveling down to LA and sitting with NANI on her pink couch.  and of course it meant we could now try to get pregnant – just never imagined it could possibly happen so quickly.

so there you go, the complete story.  i feel good because i feel like i was honest with my coworkers from the beginning.  i also took care of myself which i’m not totally apt to do. and i’m heading to LA for a week on monday which would have been IMPOSSIBLE while working at the DREAM JOB.

in other news, as we were getting into bed last night i caught the last few minutes of the play-off game.  now i’m not really a professional basketball fan (go BRUINS) but the inner fan came out.  ABN had to step back.  he never knows what to do with me when i clap wildly and yell at the screen.  my future kid may not be the BIGGEST sports fan, but for basketball, the kid is covered!

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