it’s been a long time since i blogged about my first true love – tv.  it’s true – long before there was ABN and EBN there was tv and the tube and i have been through a hell of a lot together.  we’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve stared endlessly into each other’s eyes – it’s by far the longest relationship that i’ve had.  always enduring and sticking with me through all of life’s ups and downs.

you can go ahead and judge me but i let EBN watch tv.  we don’t sit with the tv on all day long (anymore) but in the morning i have the TODAY SHOW on in the background.  if EBN is having a bit of meltdown – the flashing lights of THE JERSEY SHORE are a sure fire way to calm her down, and while breastfeeding, GENERAL HOSPITAL provides mindless banter that we are looking for.

with OPRAH coming to an end, i realize that my dvr is going to have quite a bit more room.  EBN loves her OPRAH – i’m not sure if it’s OPRAH’s sing songy voice or a young appreciation for ethnic diversity but really, the kid can’t get enough.  we’re preparing for next week but looking back at OPRAH’s style through the years.  seriously.

also, are you watching THE VOICE?  i really don’t have room in my weekly line up for more tv (although maybe with OPRAH leaving it balances out?!?) but i couldn’t pass this one up (it was originally the chairs on a spring-load that captured my attention).  i’m in love.  there has not been an episode yet that i haven’t bawled through (it’s like my new EXTREME HOME MAKEOVER) and is just me or is this batch UBER talented?  i already have my favorites – no i don’t know their names.  but so far – i’m TEAM ADAM.

one more tv tidbit – as i mentioned before – we are a TODAY SHOW family.  i’ve been a faithful viewer since 7th grade when my mom and i would watch on our tiny kitchen tv as i ate my cereal and waited for my carpool to pick me up.  but now that ANN CURRY is taking over, i might need to find a different morning “news” program.  i just can’t stand her.  i’ll miss MATT and AL (did anyone else catch him as a WIGGLE this morning?) but i’m just not sure if i can deal with ANN at such an early hour.  i don’t handle major change well…what’s a girl to do?

so i have to start off this post by saying – we shared a bottle of wine tonight.  and a wonderful bottle at that.  i’m not sure if i’ve shared with the internets our love of WINE GARAGE.  it’s one of the really wonderful things that living in the bay area has brought us.  there are many wonderful things – but WINE GARAGE is close to the top.  i promise a post on WINE GARAGE in the near future.

i have a 6 month old.  it’s unbelievable.  and because i have a 6 month old, who kicks and splashes in the bathtub, who dadadadadas all day long, who blows raspberries while she eats carrots and sweet potatoes and yogurt and pears – i’ve decided – it’s clearly time to start planning her first birthday party.  i mean – duh.  it’s going to be DIY from top to bottom – because we’re moving and on a budget and because i’m me.  i have a theme in mind – but you have to wait until november.  i’m so excited.  i may not sleep.  until november

i have exactly three more things to say:

1. EBN does this thing where she nurses on my chin – literally.  she grabs my face with both hands, secures her lips around the base of my chin and sucks her heart out.  i’m red and raw and in absolute heaven.

2. ABN and i are in this together.  there is no doubt, the last couple of weeks have been a wee bit stressful and it’s bound to only kick up a notch in the coming weeks (did i mention we are moving JUNE 6TH!?!?).  but at the end of the day it’s about the 3 of us and making it work.  and so, we figure it out – over a bottle of wine – go ahead and judge.

3. OPRAH – i can’t even begin to undertand what the end is going to be like.  i mean – i know – there are bigger things going on in the world.  but come on.  it’s a big part of my life (and EBN’s too).  we watch it every day, on DVR.  and when it’s through – i’m just saying there will be a hole.  i think i’ll need a greater post on this as well.  OPRAH and WINE GARAGE.

stam.

it’s been a really long time since i’ve had this feeling in the pit of my stomach.  i mean, it’s no surprise that i’m feeling a bit anxious – the house, the growing baby, my work phone ringing constantly.  i’m feeling anxious and i’m none too happy about it.  it’s probably the result of so many people commenting on what a laid back mama i am.  i was jinxed i tell you.

i’ve enjoyed these last several months – i haven’t missed the feeling of having a constant lump in my throat or my heart beating so hard that at times i fear it might just pop through my chest.  i haven’t missed digging frantically through my bag searching the tiny pills that might make it slightly better.

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fast forward – it’s been about 36 hours since i started this post and my heart – it’s still racing.  through the house inspection, in reaction to EBN tumbling off a chair, while i cried in a grocery store in search of SKINNY GIRL MARGARITA, through an INSANE work thing that somehow worked itself out in an even more INSANE way, in reaction to ABN still not being home and having a dead cell phone.  i think it’s safe to say i’m going through a bit of a rough patch.

on top of these anxious feelings – there are sad feelings too.  i’m really missing my NANI and i’ve felt it more over the last 36 hours than i have since she passed away in january.  there are so many factors that it probably doesn’t make sense to really weigh one against another.  but as EBN has reached 6 months i’ve realized how sad it is, mostly for me, that my NANI isn’t here to see her.  i feel differently about EDDIE.  i know that EDDIE would be head over heels for her, but at the same time, in many ways, she is the result of EDDIE – his advice and guidance.  i feel so much more that NANI was supposed to be here.  she was supposed to approve of me and of us.  i surround myself and EBN with countless silky pillows – but it’s just not the same.  and then EBN tumbled off the chair.  and all i can think was – NANI would be so upset.

when i was a little red headed girl, with curly hair still too short for even the tiniest of pigtails, my EDDIE would often stop by on his drive home from the office.  he’d come over unannounced and as he ascended the steep, brick staircase, i’d tear out the front door in my flannel nightgown, waiting impatiently on the landing next to the overgrown plum tree.  as he reached the top i would jump into his arms and he’d squeeze me tightly before setting me down gently and loosen his red tie from around his neck and say, i love you.

my EDDIE must have stopped by on his way home from work countless times.  i remember sitting with him on the edge of the bathtub as we all eagerly waited for SANDY to pee in the toilet and then all of us shouting hooray and my EDDIE placing the sticker on SANDY’S potty training chart.  i remember standing next to the phone as my EDDIE called my NANI to give her the update on his timing – i’ll be home in 20 minutes – he’d say – and i’m bringing dinner, and i love you.  and then he would call back because he forgotten to tell my NANI about SANDY and his sticker – and i love you, he’d say again, and hang up the phone.

and often it was fajitas.  my mom would pack up bowls – grated cheese in a bowl – diced tomatoes and cilantro in a bowl – chopped purple onions in a bowl – yellow and orange and red peppers in a bowl and tortillas and chicken – and it would all be placed in a bullocks shopping bag and as my EDDIE walked out the door he would grab the bag before kissing my keppe  – i love you.

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we made an offer on a house last week and it was accepted.  and while i am beyond excited about the open kitchen and the gorgeous backyard with mountain views and the separate bathtub and shower, i’m most excited that we will have space for my mom and dad to come and stay.  they were made to be grandparents and  it kills me that there is no stopping by on the way home from the office to pick up fajitas, but now i know they will be here to apply stickers to the potty training chart.

also, there’s a bidet – my NANI would be so happy.

this baby is not EBN, this baby is sleeping

this shit is hard.  we’re exactly 1 hour and 12 minutes into our first night of sleep learning (that’s like the kinder, gentler way or saying sleep training, which is the kinder, gentler way of saying – we let the baby cry – but we make ourselves feel better about it by calling it sleep training, i mean learning) and i’m about ready to let EBN nurse herself to sleep every night for the rest of my life/never nap/drink an entire bottle of vino (me, not her).  the truth is, she’s doing okay because right now, at 8:14 pm, it’s quiet.  but another scream maybe just around the corner – how is a mama supposed to sleep when her little bug might start to cry again at any moment?

and i know what you’re thinking – wasn’t EBN such a great sleeper.  the answer – yes.  she – was.  well, sometimes she still is – but it’s not consistent.  and even when she does get a whole lot of hours in at night time, she absolutely hates going to bed and only gets to sleep by being rocked or nursed.  otherwise she screams.  and i hate that she screams when she goes to bed.  also, my baby has never napped.  never.  well, never napped in a way that any of the sleep books consider a real nap.  EBN is the queen of the disco nap – just enough to give her enough energy to get through her next activity.  okay, that’s not totally true.  she came back from WESTPORT with a cold and magically slept for MANDI, the babysitter, for 2 hours.  i was so jealous upon hearing this news.  of course, i figured we had turned a corner and that from here on out EBN would be a napping machine.  but it turns out, i’m not MANDI and the baby hasn’t napped since.

so today we went out and bought black-out shades (because the book says we should work on night time sleep and day time sleep all at once) and i plugged in the white noise machine.  i’ve got my charts all printed out and i set up my sleep station (yes, ABN thinks i’m nuts).  but i’m determined to stick to the plan and get through this.  mama’s never been a good sleeper and it’s the last thing i want to pass along to EBN so we’ll all get through the tears and i’m sure come out great sleepers on the other side.

in the meantime, i’m plugging my ears by running the washing machine, dish washer and watching GLEE with the volume turned way up.

wish us luck.

incredible thing number 1 is that i am writing this – and ebn is not napping.  we’re not even attempting a nap at this time – and yes, a nap does require the consent of both of us – her consent to attempt to sleep, my consent to not give up and just move on to the next activity.  no, she is currently perched in her exersaucer next to me.  for the last couple of days i was worried that she had begun to lose interest in her exersaucer (ie eyesore) but then i realized that she was frustrated that when she pushed buttons it had no effect.  that would be because her mama decided that since she, initially wasn’t interested in the lights and sounds (and bells and whistles) i could remove that batteries.  now that the batteries are back in place the BUG is much more satisfied with her toy…for now.

but this space isn’t only about EBN.  maybe it’s time to check in to see what’s going on with me.  i have a cold – a drippy nose and a raw throat which leads me to believe that i’m not really sick, just over tired – i wonder why?

i haven’t read a book, cover to cover (or KINDLE to KINDLE as the case may be) since EBN was born.  i’ve started a couple but nothing has held my attention.  reading these days looks a lot like me getting into bed and opening the KINDLE, reading a screen or two and passing out.  i’m making slow progress on ONE DAY – i’m hoping my upcoming trip to westport will be the push i need to finish something.  i’ve also started keeping my KINDLE in my diaper bag.  as EBN has started sleeping while i drive (rather than screaming, as is also typical for her) having the KINDLE allows me to occupy myself once i park – because god knows, i’m not going to wake her up once she has passed out.

i just signed up a for a sewing class.  i know – i’m beyond excited.  and i think ABN is too.  i’ve had a sewing machine for a couple of years but don’t really know how to use it.  i’m thinking this class will be the push i need to make the tshirt quilt i’ve been planning for the last 7 years.  seriously, the tshirts have been cut and have travelled with me to 4 different apartments.  it is time.

EBN and i leave for westport a week from  yesterday.  i’m nervous about the trip – i mean she was so great the last time we flew, how can it possibly go as well again?  also this is my first time doing it all on my own.  i’m also a bit nervous about being away for so long.  last time i had really high expectations about getting a bit of a break but extenuating circumstances meant that i was more on my own with EBN then usual.  i know this trip will be different – it’s just hard to picture what it will be like exactly.  still i’m sure excited for EBN to meet some of our favorite east coasters.

did i mention that EBN is still in her exersaucer?  okay that’s sorta a lie – it’s been 4 hours since i started this post and two quick naps, one errand and a HUGE poop later, she’s back in the exersaucer and before she gets too fussy, it’s time to hit POST.

it’s been a really fantastic week.  we had family-friends in town (and when i say family-friends, you know it’s from ABN’s childhood because when i was growing up we had family and we had friends but i’m not so sure we had so family-friends) and it was so fun to see them with EBN.  and to see EBN with them!  she entertains herself quite well but really if she had it her way (and let’s be honest, she does), she’d have someone (anyone!) staring directly into her eyes at every waking moment and this week, she pretty much got it.  the question is – do happy babies poop more?  and with more, how should i say this…force?  i’ll let you discuss.

EBN and her Kyung

in other news, my hair is falling out in a major(ly disgusting) way.  it covers every surface of my house, has clogged every drain, is caught inside the crevices of my car and is constantly wrapped around EBN’s tiny fingers.  but if that wasn’t enough i think it’s beginning to be noticeable on my head.  as a girl who has always had WAY too much hair, this dramatic change is making me totally and completely nutso (ask ABN – it’s not the only thing that’s making me nuts – i made be a laid-back mama, but i’m a bit nutty in general these days).  i know this happens to everyone – i was warned (i wasn’t warned about the swelling that occurs for a few days after you give birth but that’s another issue and yes, it went away by 1 week but at the time i FREAKED out) – but i just didn’t think it would happen to me .

i live in constant fear of the day that EBn is too big to use her swing.  will she ever nap again?

we’re off to our music class and then probably a stop at babies r us.  just don’t tell EBN – she hates BRU – i can’t blame her, it’s pretty gross.  then home to make a nice shabbat dinner (the KINERET CHALLAH is already on the counter defrosting – i’m so excited i found it in this city!!).  we are all in need of some family time at home.

the little BUG is currently napping in her crib.  this is either a major turning point in all of our lives, or, simply the after effects of the shots she received today at the pediatrician.  i’d like to think it’s a major turning point – but that’s just me .

our little EBN isn’t really quite so little.  at just over 4 months she’s a whopping 15 lbs 14 oz – no surprise from anyone around here that she’s in the 90th percentile for weight – girl likes to eat!  what’s a bit more shocking is that she’s grown 3 inches in the last 2 months and at 25 inches in the 80th percentile for height (what?!?).  we know she is our child though because while long, she’s got short legs.  and her head – only 75th percentile (shocking…I KNOW!).  the best news of all though is that our baby is happy and healthy.  she was a ball (literally) of smiles and spit up.  we know we are in big trouble once she hits her teen age years because clearly we’ve been blessed with a very easy baby.

most exciting of all – when we are ready EBN has the go ahead to start solid foods!  for a family that LOVES to eat this is big news.  it kills me to watch the BUG’S face when she watches me eat.  that open mouth of drool makes it so clearly that she is interested.  so we will get started soon – probably around PASSOVER.  i know there are a ka-billion feelings about when you should start and what you should start with and like everything else, ABN and i will figure out what works for us.  but i’m pretty excited that our doc isn’t a rice cereal pusher because really, can you imagine a more unexciting food?  something with lot’s of color and lots of flavor is what my girl is craving.

in other news:

• EBN is moments away from rolling from back to tum (she’s done it the other way a few times – it’s just not as exciting).  it’s pretty clear to me that once she has this talent mastered she’s going to be a side sleeper just like her mama
• she’s mastering the art of thumb sucking.  she seems to still rely on the paci for when she’s really upset or trying to fall asleep – hasn’t quite figured out that she can use the thumb to soothe as well as slurp.  we’re thinking of getting rid of the paci sooner rather than later.  not because i’m anti-paci – i’m just anti-putting-paci-back-in-mouth-at-4-am
• i was going to say that the spit-up had slowed – but then EBN spit up on her mama 7 times while waiting for the doctor – down my back, in my hair.  her favorite move is to grab my shirt and pull it away from my chest and lean her head in an spit up down my front.  i love the smell of spoiled milk in the morning
• EBN loves her toys.  she alternates between shoving SOPHIE down her throat and “crinkling” ELLIE the ELEPHANT
• she SKYPES!  we’ve reached a major turning point.  when we put EBN in front of the screen she can really see the people in the computer!  NANI was the recipient of the first OFFICIAL skype smile – and she’s worked really hard at it – singing “you are my sunshine” to EBN multiple times a day
• we’ve had our first cold.  i immediately blamed myself – she’s only 4 months old, i must have done something wrong.  but EBN smiled through the entire week of stuffiness – never losing her energy OR her appetite.  she was just snotty.  which was gross.  i’ve decided it’s part of growing up – for both of us.

okay, she’s still sleeping (IN HER CRIB!!) which means i should probably do laundry.  or shower.  or go watch her sleep

the BUG is asleep again and so before i even throw on a pair of nursing pads i’m living dangerously and making this a two entry week – I KNOW.  the BUG was up at 4:30 this morning – smiling and ready to go.  i dealt with this by feeding her and letting her suck away until about 7:30 when the smell of her stink woke up me up.  somehow ABN continued to sleep – go figure.

if i didn’t know better i would think that EBN was starting to teeth because she is a drool monster – with a dripping chin and sopping shirt at all times.  i keep shoving my finger in her mouth trying to feel for something but so far it seems to be all gums – maybe she’s just getting ready.  she loves shoving multiple things in her mouth at once – hands, paci, toys, mama’s fingers and munch away.  she can’t be hungry all the time – or can she?

my favorite new trick is when i pick her up and bring her close my face – she comes at me wide mouthed.  i’m not sure if she’s trying to kiss me – because she loves it when i kiss her and goes all crooked-smile on me – or if she’s trying to shove my entire head in her mouth.  regardless it’s super cute.  except for when she smells of sour milk – which she often does.  then it’s super cute and super gross all at once.  is there something to do about that sour milk breath?  let’s discuss…

in an odd turn of events, EBN is napping (I KNOW!!) and so i have taken this opportunity to blow off spin class and instead shave my legs, write some thank you notes and (gasp) try to grab a few moments to write here.  depending on the duration of this nap, there might even be some  blow drying in my future – although that seems HIGHLY unlikely.

we spent the weekend in SANTA BARBARA to celebrate my big birthday.  it was the perfect getaway – just the three of us – exactly the way i wanted to spend the occasion.  there was an enormous amount of eating (both by grownups and by EBN), great sun and even an extra special date night.  highlights included NEPTUNES NET on the way up the coast, taking EBN’s picture in front of the camp sign, a late night stroll while ABN rested his eyes, putting EBN’s feet in the sand for the first time, getting a babysitter on saturday night, BOUCHON and stopping at THE OLD WEST CINNAMON ROLL FACTORY on our drive back to SF.  EBN and i had been in LA going through the REAL NANI’s house and so this relaxing weekend was just what we all needed.

LA was good because we were with EBN’s NANI and also got to spend extra special time with ROXANNA (EBN now speaks spanish fluently!).  i was able to squeeze in a lunch with my AUNTIE LIN and also a bottle of wine with some special people on my actual birthday – but truly spent almost every waking moment in the bowels of THE REAL NANI’s closets.  it’s amazing what we found – one day – if she ever naps again – i might write about it, but the gist is that she saved everything (we’re surprised we haven’t found left over chicken bones).  i filled the car to the brim with some of my favorite articles of NANI’s clothes.  we’ll see how much i wear (after all, dressing like an 85 year old woman is the new black) and how much i let EBN use for dress up (doesn’t everyone play dress up in NINA RICCI?) and how much i just let hang in my closest and bury my nose in when i need a fix.

and with that the babe is up.  so instead of blow drying we’ll take a walk down to WHOLE FOODS.  today is a big day – EBN is wearing her first hair accessory!