it’s been a really long time since i’ve had this feeling in the pit of my stomach.  i mean, it’s no surprise that i’m feeling a bit anxious – the house, the growing baby, my work phone ringing constantly.  i’m feeling anxious and i’m none too happy about it.  it’s probably the result of so many people commenting on what a laid back mama i am.  i was jinxed i tell you.

i’ve enjoyed these last several months – i haven’t missed the feeling of having a constant lump in my throat or my heart beating so hard that at times i fear it might just pop through my chest.  i haven’t missed digging frantically through my bag searching the tiny pills that might make it slightly better.

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fast forward – it’s been about 36 hours since i started this post and my heart – it’s still racing.  through the house inspection, in reaction to EBN tumbling off a chair, while i cried in a grocery store in search of SKINNY GIRL MARGARITA, through an INSANE work thing that somehow worked itself out in an even more INSANE way, in reaction to ABN still not being home and having a dead cell phone.  i think it’s safe to say i’m going through a bit of a rough patch.

on top of these anxious feelings – there are sad feelings too.  i’m really missing my NANI and i’ve felt it more over the last 36 hours than i have since she passed away in january.  there are so many factors that it probably doesn’t make sense to really weigh one against another.  but as EBN has reached 6 months i’ve realized how sad it is, mostly for me, that my NANI isn’t here to see her.  i feel differently about EDDIE.  i know that EDDIE would be head over heels for her, but at the same time, in many ways, she is the result of EDDIE – his advice and guidance.  i feel so much more that NANI was supposed to be here.  she was supposed to approve of me and of us.  i surround myself and EBN with countless silky pillows – but it’s just not the same.  and then EBN tumbled off the chair.  and all i can think was – NANI would be so upset.