i woke up about 2:30 this morning – unable to fall back asleep.  it’s the first time this has happened in a while and it left me feeling upset, unsettled and worried.  as if losing her husband of 63 years wasn’t enough, NANI has had a rough go of it for the last few days and somehow, it dawned on me in the middle of the night, that things might be worse than i had allowed myself to understand.  instead of doing the rational thing (because i rarely do the rational thing) which includes getting up, taking an ativan, and climbing back into bed – i laid still for 4 more hours staring straight up at the ceiling, getting more and more upset while sweating like a feverish beast.  at 6:30 i shook ABN and then propelled myself out of bed to call my mom (don’t ask me why i waited that long as it was already 9:30 on the east coast).  because she’s mother, when the phone stopped ringing the first words out of her mouth were: what’s wrong?

so i did what i do best – i cried while she told me that while things aren’t really okay, they are okay enough.  NANI is going back to the doctor today.  she’s being taken care of.  i can’t write about what i’m really worried about here because i know it’s not the place.  if i don’t actually write down my real fears, then you can’t prove i’m thinking it.  i’m sure that if you read between the lines, its not a far stretch.  i’m still reeling from the events of this fall and i hurts to much to consider going through anything like that again.  NANI and i are connected by more than just our red hair.

after hanging up with my mom and snotting all over ABN, i fell into the deepest sleep imaginable and dreamed that i had ripped off each of my fingernails.  when i woke up it was 8:45, ABN was on a conference call and i was confused by what was real and what was imagined.

to make myself feel better i’ve dog-eared every other page of the GARNET HILL catalogue.  i recently went on their website and requested that i receive a copy in the mail rather than just get emails about sales and such.  NANI’s house is piled high with catalogues.  when i was in town at the beginning of the month we went through three baskets (which is just the beginning) and got rid of MOST mailings prior to 1999 (most).  when my family first moved to CT, NANI sent endless amounts of flannel sheets from GARENT HILL – i’d wrap myself in brightly colored butterflies and and blue and lavender stars.  the softest sheets – the highest quality.  the last thing i need right now are flannel sheets – but as i thumb through the pages of the catalogue, i can’t really imagine wanting anything more.