when i was in college i suffered from horrible panic attacks – except i didn’t know it.  when i felt like things were out of control (which was often) or when i got overwhelmed (almost nightly) my heart would beat outside of my chest, i’d turn into a sweaty mess, i’d lie awake unable to sleep and unable to move.  my mind would race around in circles.  i’d be trapped for hours or days and i’d just sort of float through it.  i knew the way i felt wasn’t normal – but i also refused to acknowledge that i was broken.  i couldn’t admit how miserable i was.  i couldn’t admit that i was in trouble.  i told no one i was struggling.  i didn’t even tell myself.

surprise surprise, eventually it all came crashing down in one huge pile of devestation.  that devestation, and the pain i caused myself and others, and the work i have done to put my life back together – makes me who i am now.  its still a struggle for me to ask for help – i have to push myself.  there are very few people that i trust and very few people who i can be totally honest with.

on thursday night i had the worst panic i’ve had since those days back in college.  the scary part of thursday night was that i was super aware of what i was experiencing.  back in those days of complete denial i was sorta able to power through (in a pitiful kind of way) but thursday night stopped me dead in my tracks.  it took me until about 5am to wake ABN up.  but eventually i did and while i sat in a pile of mess on our red couch he fed me strawberries and ativan and by the time i left the house for work i was able to throw my hair up in a sloppy bun.

i’m not really sure what’s going on with me these days.  i’m happy in my life here.  with my friends both near and far, with the work that i’m doing (even if its taken over my life) and most of all with ABN.  but the tears and the heart beat and the racing thoughts feel familiar.  not in a good way.  its been so long since i’ve felt this way i guess i thought it was gone forever.  it’s scary to know that even when i feel super safe, and my past feels super far away, its right around the corner to kick me in the ass.