I do not like to fly.

To begin with, I am a horrible packer. It generally takes me one hour per day that I will be out of town, plus an additional hour (or two) when I decide to begin the entire process again. I need to create and then try on at least one outfit per day, outlining what I will be wearing when – including undergarments, shoes and accessories. Once I arrive at my destination I rarely keep to my plan, instead living in the pair of sweatpants i had intended to sleep in and often purchasing things I don’t need and don’t really like, just to have a different option.

I hate waking up early to catch the plane. Even though I know my alarm will, in fact, go off, the same way it reliably does each and every morning, I insist on checking the time obsessively – first every hour, than as the morning approaches, every 20 minutes and then every 7. I do this for other reasons too – not just when trying to catch a flight. If I need to be out of the house before 10am most likely I have had a restless night of sleep because I am worried that I won’t wake up in time. Yet I can’t remember the last time I slept passed 8:30.

I can’t stand carry-on bags – making sure that I have everything that I could possibly need for the trip: wallet, food, People Magazine, drugs, earphones, an extra layer – all organized AND readily accessible. And I can’t put things in the overhead bin because I WILL forget them. And if somehow I can get off the airplane and remember the dress I am supposed to wear to the wedding that I’m attending, hence the reason for the trip to begin with, it’s because I have spent the entire 5 hour flight staring straight ahead repeating “don’t forget the dress, don’t forget the dress, don’t forget the dress.

I can’t seem to figure out a smooth way of taking off my shoes and putting my laptop in a separate crate for security screening, while holding and not losing my ticket and ID. I always feel as if I am the jackass holding up the line. Unless I’m traveling with ABN and then he is definitely the jackass holding up the line.

The smell of airplanes makes me want to vomit. Even before we take off and start bouncing around I am fairly convinced I’m going to need to make use of my airsick bag. Mind you I have never actually puked, but I’m always sure that I am about too.

Obviously the worst part of flying is the take off and the landing. If I am flying with ABN (or anyone else I know, no matter how remotely) I insist on squeezing his hand as tightly as possible until all of the color has drained out. Generally I have removed all of my rings before our flight (that’s another thing I hate about flying – my swollen fingers and toes) but in the event that I forget – I have been known to cause permanent damage. When we land I insist on lifting my ass of my seat, pressing my feet deep into the floor of the airplane. I also keep my lips closed but my teeth open with a slightly off-center bite for fear that a hard impact might cause my teeth to go into my brain if my mouth were to be in any other position. Rationally I know that my rituals do nothing to protect me or the other passengers – but I have been doing them for so long without an incident that I have convinced myself if I were to stop now I’d be screwing everyone else on the airplane. Clearly any disaster would have to be blamed on me.

The sound I hate more than any other sound that I have ever heard is the ding over the loud speaker, before the pilot or flight attendant speaks. Every time it happens my heart skips a beat and I am sure that the voice is about to calmly tell me, that we are all going to die because I didn’t squeeze ABN’s hand quite tight enough.

*This post was written while in flight from Boston back to SF
**While writing this post we encountered some major turbulence and I’m pretty sure it’s because I was writing this post
***While writing this post I also spilled most of a can of ginger ale on my lap. I think it’s funny that I can have a ginger ale at any time, yet I only drink it while in flight. Ginger ale is the only part of flying that I do not hate.