It’s been pretty clear to me for a while that I think less of myself for working in retail. And I have no idea why. I don’t know why I am so critical of myself. I don’t know where these feelings of not being good enough come from.

Growing up the message was – be whatever you want to be – there are no clearly defined rules (Thinking about this now, it is nearly impossible for me to picture my dad actually saying either of the above statements, but regardless of what he said – his actions spoke volumes). That being said – I was surrounded by doctors and lawyers and community workers. Maybe a teacher here or an artist there – although even typing those words I think I’m being fairly generous because I can’t think of a single example of either. I think that my parents were serious in not placing limitations on my future – but when your surroundings are greatly skewed in one direction, there has to be some influence.

It became clear fairly early on that a doctor or a lawyer I was not – which is why, even in my darkest moments in 2003, when NANI inquired about why I was not considering law school, after all, that didn’t mean I had to actually be a lawyer – I couldn’t help but laugh. I’m simply not wired to be a doctor: science, math and bodily fluids hold equally low points on my list. And when faced in a confrontational situation I usually cry rather than argue so being a lawyer was nixed as well. I knew what I was good at – I liked helping people; giving a voice to those who didn’t always have one (something I have learned I can define loosely) and after all, my family had a history of this type of work as well.

Give us a committee and we’ll sit on it. Need someone to chair an event – just say our name. If there’s an issue that we feel passionately about, especially in the Jewish community – we’ll fight for it…well, maybe not fight, at least not me, but I’ll organize a benefit concert around it – and sell tshirts!

When I found out I could get paid for this kind of work I thought I had everything figured out. And it seemed like grad school could go either way which only made me more sure of my direction – after all, I wasn’t jumping to get back into that situation. So I did it all – I planned social justice programs for over-privileged kids on the upper west side, I led awkward events for awkward singles in their 20s and 30s (another post for another time), I managed a 24-hour suicide prevention hotline, I counseled school districts on how to deal with tragedy, I recruited volunteers to work with kids in need and I led workshop after workshop after workshop on all of the above. And I was totally successful at every opportunity. And I loved my coworkers. And I learned from my experiences.

But sometimes

I would feel bored.

Or like I didn’t have enough support.

Or that I didn’t feel satisfied.

Or that this wasn’t what I really wanted to do.

Or that I didn’t know what I really wanted to do.

So when ABN and I decided we were going to move across the country I saw this as my ultimate opportunity to figure everything out. I would take the time to find the perfect job – but then a week in – I was bored and instead of temping, somehow got hired at a job in retail and now feel more confused than ever before.

Because I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. Now in addition to working in the Jewish community and supporting kids in crisis – it turns out I’m also really good at selling clothes, and helping people look their best – well, at least a bit better because really, a personal shopper can only do so much – now if I was a full-on stylist like Rachel Zoe…well that would be bananas.

I don’t want to stop doing what I’m doing now just because I worry what people will think; because I’m embarrassed. See in my own life I’m still surrounded by lawyers and doctors and community workers and well, rabbis and I work at freaking PINEAPPLE NATION!?!!? I want so badly to be okay with that because while sometimes I feel bored. Or like I don’t have enough support. Or that I’m not satisfied. Or that this isn’t what I really want to do. Or that I don’t know what I really want to do. I’m also feeling the good parts:

I am totally successful at every opportunity.

And I love (okay, can tell outstanding stories about) my coworkers.

And I am learning from my experiences.

The message is – I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. But I’m not sure if I’ve ever had a real plan. The plan for today is to be content with today. To make the most of this insane-out-of-no-where opportunity.

And to perhaps write a book about it….